Wheatley's Diary
by The Avid Roleplayer
Summary: What was Wheatley thinking throughout the plot of Portal 2? The first in the Portal Diaries series. Next up: GLaDOS. (Oneshot, strictly canon. T because Wheatley has a potty mouth sometimes.)


Wheatley's Diary

Entry #106

Dear Diary,

I need to act fast. The ground is shaking madly, and according to what the scientists told me before they all died, that means I need to... er... no, actually, they didn't really tell me anything about that. They told me what to do in case of a fire, in case of a flood, and in case of an earthquake (I don't even know what that is!) but they didn't tell me what to do when the ground starts shaking! God, how bloody stupid can you get, huh?

Ah, well. Might as well avoid risks and wake up the humans. At least... the ones who are still alive. If there are any, that is. If not... well, I guess that means I don't have to worry, then.

Oh, look! There's one. Ahh, sleeping humans. They always look peaceful, don't they? ...And she just woke up! Brilliant! I didn't even have to press the- oh, that chunk of ceiling did it for me. Never mind.

-o-

I've been with the human for about five minutes now, and I think I can safely say that she's got... a bit of a problem with her head. Just a bit. You see, she can't talk. She just jumps and runs around. Not that there's any problem with that or anything. Heh.

-o-

Great news! She found the portal gun! Finally!

-o-

The lady and I have been having a great time trying to get out of here. She seems to like me. I think. It's actually rather hard to tell what a human's thinking if they don't talk, but judging by the fact that she trusts me enough to follow my directions, she probably likes me.

Oh, and I don't know why I did, but I actually... get ready for it... jumped off my management rail. I know, I know! The scientists said that I would die if I ever did that. But I did, and surprise, surprise... I'm still alive. Ha! Looks like they were wrong, huh? In your face, scientists!

... Sorry. Sorry. I kind of... got off track a little there. No pun intended.

-o-

Okay, Wheatley. Okay. Don't panic. You're just in a bit of a pickle. That's all.

Aw, what's the point? The human's as good as dead.

So the two of us found this lift, you see. And I didn't really know what to do, or which button to press or anything, so I just kind of... pressed all of them. And that did not turn out well.

No. To be honest, that was an understatement. What I really meant was that is turned out... well, really, really not well. I tried to stop it! I tried! But I didn't know how! It's hard pressing buttons when you've got no arms, all right? It's really bloody hard!

Oh, right, I haven't said what happened yet. Well, I, er, we kind of... we sort of... by accident, mind you... woke up GLaDOS. Yep. I screwed things up again! That's right! Bloody Central Core, trying to crush me... who even put her in charge anyway? Honestly! If all she does is test people and kill people, why on earth is she the authority?

So anyway, she kind of tossed me away, and I thought I was done for, really, I did. But I survived! Hurray for me! Sort of! I'm probably getting thrown in the incinerator the moment she finds me. I just hope I can find the lady first, presuming she's not, y'know, dead.

-o-

All right! I found her! We just finished messing up the neurotoxin and all that. I'm not really much of a prankster normally, but I'm pretty sure that Central Core deserved it. She's such a bloody- actually, we already went over that, didn't we?

Anyway, now we're together in the Central AI chamber, and it seems like we're in luck! The magical invisible guy that keeps following us around is trying to put me in charge. That would be so much fun! I'd be able to escape, the human would get to escape, and we wouldn't even have to kill anyone! Probably! I dunno, can her core move on its own? If not, there should be no problem.

The invisible guy just said that the lady needs to press a button. Oh, well. That shouldn't be too hard.

And she just pressed it! All right! Going down now... wait, what if this hurts? What if it really hurts? Eh, guess I'm about to- AAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHH! Bloody fucking hell! That- that was really, really painful! Ouch! Oh, look! It's done now! Heheheh... I feel... I feel much better now! Wheeeeee! Look at me! Look how giant I am! I think I look good like this, huh? The human looks so tiny from all the way up here! I can even move the wall panels! This is so fun...

Hmm. I feel... different now. I feel... angry! That little yellow-eyed core isn't all-powerful anymore! How come she's being so... so... ffffffFFFFFFF... and she's siding with the human now! I'll teach her a lesson. I'll... I'll... I don't really know what I'll do, actually. Er, what was it that- in the movies... oh, yeah. I'll turn her into a frog! There's got to be a frog in here somewhere...

Nope. No frog. I did find this nifty potato battery, though. Close enough, I suppose. I'll just put her in that.

-o-

I had no idea how hard it was to make test chambers. It's really hard. The thing is, I was going to just use the old ones, but then I decided that those would be too easy. You know, since the human's teamed up with the Potato Core (yes, that's her name now, because I said so.) I just figured, you know, if I used those, they'd know how to... wait! I have an idea! I'll just take those chambers... and change them up a bit! They'll never tell the difference in a million years! I'll just put my own unique... twist on them. Oh, oh, I have another idea! Instead of having turrets and cubes separately, I'll knock out two birds with one stone and combine the turrets and cubes! That would be so much fun. Clever, too. Yep, I am a genius. *giggles* [AN: That was a Halo reference, in case you couldn't tell. Am I the only one who thinks Wheatley and Guilty Spark would be best friends?]

-o-

I've got an amazingly evil plan for the human and the Potato Core. I've worked out all the steps in my obviously massive brain, and it all makes perfect sense. I know exactly how, when, and where I'm going to kill them.

I don't need them anymore, all right? I found these two robots who match the portal colors, and they're perfectly fine with doing tests forever. So there.

-o-

Aw, no! Why won't they die? I thought the "Happy Fun Pit" label would trick her for sure! If not that, then at least the spike plates, y'know? She's smarter than I thought!

Hey, where'd the potato go? And what's that weird-looking core doing on her portal gun? Wh- OW! What on earth? She just attached the core to me! That hurt! Now I'm angry. I'll really try hard to kill her now.

Oh, bloody- there goes another core! Why is she... huh? The invisible guy just said my corruption level was at... hey, wait a minute! I see what she's trying to do now! Clever, very clever... I'll just stop her from putting another one on.

Dang it. Too late. Ah, well, at least there's still PART FIVE! Ha! Got her! Who's the moron now, huh?

Wait, why is the facility shaking? Why is she aiming her portal gun at the moon? Oh, n- AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! I'M GOING TO DIE! BLOODY FUCKING HELL, I'M GOING TO DIE!

-o-

I guess I asked for it, huh? I just had to go mad with power. Now I'm just floating around in space with a yellow-eyed idiot who won't shut up.

And my heart hurts.

It really hurts.

-Wheatley


End file.
